Bill goes to AA
by Secretlypsychotic
Summary: Bill is out of brandy and money, he sees an add for A.A. and thinks they may share a bit of theirs. Short and silly story. R&R if you like. Rated T for Alcohol Consumption.
1. Out of brandy, out of money, out of luck

**Chapter 1: Out of brandy, out of money, out of luck. **

"Sorry Bill," said the barkeeper, pushing Bill McGill, the lizard, out of the pub and out onto the streets, "but I can't let you have another drink."

"Ah, come off it Charlie," pleaded a very drunk Bill, slurring every word and slightly teetering on his feet, "you know...I've...I gots a-a tab here...jus..just put it on me tab." Bill then tried to walk back into the pub.

"I'm sorry Bill," said the barkeeper, stopping Bill with his arm, "but you tab is already 50 pounds, and I've already let you go over the limit of 5 pounds."

"Ah...you know...," Bill started to say, but his hat fell off and it took bill several attempts to pick it up and put it back on, "...you know, (chuckles)...that I'm good for it. Now I's would like another pint of... "

"Not another drink until the tab is paid in full." said the barkeep sternly.

"But..."

"Paid...in..._full_...Bill," the barkeep slightly pushed the plastered lizard down the steps of the pub, "now go home Bill." and with that, the barkeep closed the door and locked it.

Bill stood there, swaying to the left and right and a little to the back, looking at the pub door. Then sharply inhaling his breath, holding it for a few seconds, then sharply exhaling it, he then said:

"I'll...I wont be turfed out...you-you come back here and...you...come back here!" he said, pointing to the ground, but as there was no one at the door, no one answered him.

"Right! I'lls just goes 'ome and...get me...me own drink. That-that'll put a thumb in...in his...ah..." Bill waved his right arm in the air, frustrated that he couldn't think of the word. He then attempted to turn around and walk home, but he stumbled on the stairs and fell down, scraping his knee, but it didn't hurt him. He attempted to stand back up, but he kept stumbling, so he decided to walk on four legs, but even then it was a hard trip home. He stumbled to the left, then to the right, then tripping with is left arm on a park bench, he then had the means to stand back on his two hind legs. He used the park bench to steady himself up, then he leaned on it saying to nobody:

"Oy, I...I hope I make it 'ome this time..." Bill was thinking of the one time he got lost and for hours truing to find his house, "it-its so long off and all." He looked around and saw his house. "Ah...there she is." he then stumbled around and eventually reached his front door. He reached into one of his pockets on his workmen's vest for the house key, but couldn't find it.

"Now...we-where did I?"

"Bill," Bill looked around with his eyes in all directions, to spot the barkeeper waving out the pub's window at him, witch was only six feet from him, "you forgot your keys."

Bill stumbled to the stork, said a slurred "thank ye,"; turned around while fumbling for the right key, opened the door and then closed it. Bill looked around, seeing all of the empty brandy bottles, the empty wine bottles and other empty alcoholic beverage bottles.

"There's got to be one left..." mumbled the lizard, picking up and tossing empty bottles, looking for one that had at least one swig left in it. But after flinging every one aside, he then decided to check the ice box. He opened the box only to find nothing that he wanted. He checked the cupboards for a drink, but only found tea things and other dishes. He sniffed sharply, there was nothing to drink in the house.

"I suppose it's time to dip into the ol' trusty savings plan." said bill, taking off his hat and feeling in the brim for any coins he may have placed in there, but there wasn't anything. He sighed, placing his hat back on his head. He tried to think of what to do next, but the alcohol was starting to ware off, and he started to get a headache.

"Oy! I know what..." he started to say as he quickly stumbled around the house, tripping over empty bottles. He left his house, locking it behind him (after 10 minutes of trying all the keys in the keyhole), he then started his way toward the pawn shop. Half-way there, Bill's pub mate, a garden snake, slithered up to the lizard, who was equally drunk at the time, said:

"How's me old mate there now? Wh-what are you doing Bill?"

"I...I'm getting some money for a drink." said Bill, looking at the snake with one eye and watching his step with the other.

"Where...the bank? You have no money there Bill."

"No...I's pawning me tool belt."

"Your tool belt? Bill, if you...if you don't have your belt...you can't work; if you can't work, you can't get money...then you can't pay for me drinks!" said the snake as they entered the pawn shop, which was run by a pawn. (...Hey, I know it's a tad obvious...but cut me some slack here!)

"It will be alright," said Bill placing his belt on the counter top, which was quickly snatched by the pawn who intern placed a coin on the counter, "after I fetch me money I earned from that job, I'll have enough to buy back me belt," he said while picking up the coin and walking to the door, with his friend slithering next to him, "after I have me drink, of course." Bill had just barely placed his hand on the door handle when he heard:

"Here's you new tool belt sir." said the pawn to a guinea pig, who had just bought Bill's old tool belt. The guinea pig then placed the belt on himself and scuttled out of the shop.

"Oh, well..." sighed Bill, "I still got me tools."

"Your tools were still on the belt, Bill."

"...Oh...well at least I still have that money to..."

"Uh...Bill," said the snake, "you drank that money up not only an hour ago. I was going to remind you that."

"...Oh...well, at least I've got," Bill opened his hand to see a bright, new sixpence in his hand, "this sixpence. Well, this ought to get me something to drink!" said Bill happily. The snake and the lizard made their way to the pub, who then entered the establishment, then walked/slithered their way up to the bar, then Bill slammed down his hand saying:

"Barkeep! I would like a drink!" The barkeeper looked over his shoulder, then shook his head and walked up to the lizard saying:

"Bill, I told you that you couldn't have another drink until you got some money."

"Oh, but...I do have money," said Bill placing the sixpence on the counter as if it were worth 1000 pounds, "get me whatever this little beauty will scrounge up." The stork stood there, looking at the sixpence, then looked at Bill with a questionable look, the stork then shook his head, taking the sixpence and placing it in the cash register. He then picked up a brandy bottle and then after digging into his pocket, pulled out a small thimble, he then filled the thimble with the drink and handed it to Bill. Bill then looked at the tiny drink, shrugged his shoulders, and sipped all the brandy out of the thimble.

"Alright, let's have another." said Bill, giving back the thimble to the barkeep.

"Bill..." said the barkeeper, but the snake interrupted.

"I'll take him home." The snake then wrapped his tail around Bill's arm and dragged the lizard out of the pub. Bill resisted the snake, squirming until the snake dragged him to the center of the square; letting him go. Bill then straitened his hat, then looked angrily at the snake.

"Why-why did you do that? I-I was...I was gettin' a drink."

"Bill," said the snake, "if I were you, I'd go...go do some...jobs so you can earn money. But when you do...don't drink it away. I've got to go home now, I...would do the same if I's was you." and the garden snake slithered away, not before however, running into several stone fixtures.

Bill stood there for a moment, not wanting to go home right then. He decided to walk around and think of his 'dry' situation. He stumbled around with his hands in his pockets for a half an hour, looking at the ground, rather than what was in front of him. He then saw it, a broken wine bottle in the middle of the street. A creature of some sorts had been by there not five seconds ago, pushing a pushcart full of goods, but their wine bottle fell out of the pushcart and broke. Bill then ran as best as he could over to the bottle, bending on his knees he looked into the broken bits and saw that there was one good gulp in one of the broken halves. He picked one up and drank the wine out of it, but cut his bottom lip in the process. He then started to lap up the wine on the ground with his tongue. He then sat down on the groung and placed his head in his hands after wiping his lip, and sat there, moping.

"I can't go on like this," said the gloomy lizard, "I need to do something."

Just then, a small breeze blew a piece of paper onto the lizards tail. Bill turned his eye back and spotted the paper, who then picked up the paper and read out loud:

"Are you tired of scraping around for drinking money?

Are you tired of begging others for a drink?

Are you in the gutters, down on your luck?

You don't have to fight alone. Come to Alcohol Among-us, and gain support for drinking."

"Oy, here's a solution!" said Bill, looking at the flyer, "they're bound to have a bit of brandy they would be willing to share!" Bill then stood up and soon found his way to the meeting place mentioned on the flyer.


	2. The AA Meeting

**Chapter 2: The A.A. Meeting**

Bill looked up at the building, witch was actually an old tree stump that was hallowed out, then looked at the flyer again, then the building again...then the flyer again and so-on for about 5 minutes.

"This is the place, that for true." said Bill looking at the flyer and the stump. He then hobbled up the stairs and entered the building. He looked around and saw many different creatures, ranging from mice and rats, to birds and reptiles. They all were gathered around in smaller groups, talking to one another, with drinks in their paws, claws or whatever they had to hold onto a drink. Bill shuffled and stumbled his way past many of the creatures, most he bumped into without so much as a "beg pardon", and soon he found the refreshment table. On the table were biscuits and cakes and cucumber sandwiches and other sandwiches with meat or insects for the filling, but what caught Bills plastered eyes was the drinks. Bill snatched one up and drank the whole thing, then grabbed another and drank that too, then one more, all of the animals were quiet and watching this new-comer drinking all of their raspberry cordial. One female nightingale took it upon herself to stop this behavior.

"I beg your pardon, sir. But your clearly drinking all of the raspberry cordial, that's meant for everyone here."

Bill stopped drinking, "Rauspbary cord-dial?" Bill looked down at the drink. Then he said:

"Where do ye keep the spirits then?" The nightingale was shocked.

"Why...there's no _alcohol_ here!"

"But your advertisement, here said that your serving drinks." said the stupid lizard handing the flyer to the bird. She looked at it.

"It doesn't say that anywhere on this." she said while handing it back to him.

"Right here you...you silly goose," said Bill, dropping the full glass on the ground, spilling it, " 'Come to Alcohol Among-us, and gain support for drinking.' There it says it right there."

"No. It says 'Come to Alcohol _Anonymous_, and gain support from _drinking_.' " corrected a hamster who was looking over the shoulder of the nightingale.

"That's right," said the nightingale, "this is an alcohol-free affaire, only raspberry cordial and tea to drink." Bill then blew a raspberry at the nightingale and hamster, then said:

"There's your rauspbary cord-dial! Now if you'll excuse me," he said while losing his balance, "I'm am going to find the brandy..." and that's when Bill fell on the table and broke it, sending all the refreshments flying all over the place.

All of the creatures gasped and backed off, trying not to have a cake land on them. Then when the shock of the fall had settled in, the creatures became angry at his behavior.

"Send the him away!" Called out one bird.

"He's ruining the meeting!" called out a mouse.

"Throw out that creature!" called out a lory.

"That's quiet enough." called out a stern voice. The other animals turned around and saw that the leader of the meeting, a water rat, had made his way to the fallen Bill. The rat kneeled next to Bill and placed his hands on Bill's back, patting him.

"Can you all not remember that at one time," said the rat to the group, "that we all were like this poor fellow here? Can you not remember the times when we were desperate to feed our addiction?" All of the creatures bowed their heads in shame. "This poor reptile, has obviously come here as a cry for help."

"Yeah, I was wondering," Bill interrupted, "do you have any brandy on you?"

"We must help," continued the rat, ignoring Bill's question, "our brother creature, as we all needed help on our darkest hour. What is you name, brother?" asked the rat kindly.

"Bill McGill," said Bill, "and I ain't your brother."

-------------------------------------------------------------

"We will now," said the rat in front of the group, "listen to testimonials of our members, then we will listen to our newest member. Mrs. Mouse, if you please." The rat sat down near the podium while a spotted mouse trotted up to the podium.

"Hello, my name is Rachel,"

"Hello Rachel!" said all the animals in a chorus, while Bill looked around and wondered why they said that,

"and I'm an alcoholic."

"Good for you love!" called out Bill, missing the point of the meeting.

"I use to drink every time I was lonely, that was about every day, but now, I've been sober for 7 months." said the mouse proudly.

The audience clapped until she stepped down, but Bill continued clapping and whistling, it took a hamster to hold his hands to make him stop. Another creature stood up, it was the nightingale.

"Hello, my name is Mrs. Nightingale,"

"Hello Mrs. Nightingale!" called out the creatures.

"...Nightingale." said Bill, meaning to be in tune with the others, but was off a few seconds.

"and I'm an alcoholic."

"The mouse already said that." Bill whispered loudly to the hamster next to him.

"I use to sneak drinks between meals and other stressful events, that would usually be around 8 glasses a day."

"(Scoffs) She's right...she is a roarin' drunk." said Bill, this time the hamster hushed him.

"And now, I've been attending these meetings and am proud to say," she said puffing out her chest, "that I've been sober for 2 weeks."

"(Loud muffled snicker) two weeks...she's..."

"Shhh! Hush you!" said an agitated hamster. The rat then stood up and said,

"Come up here, Mr. McGill, and bear your testimony."

"What am I at, church?" mumbled Bill, he walked up to the podium and stood there stupidly for a few moments until the rat nudged him with his tail. Bill then said:

" Good day, my name is Bill, and..."

"Hello Bill!" said all the animals.

"Yeah, yeah 'hello'..." mumbled Bill, "look," he said turning to the rat, "I really don't think I have a problem."

"Denial is to be expected," said the rat calmly, "I think," said the rat slapping him on the back, "that we need to discuss what turned you to alcohol." The rat then placed a chair in the center of the room and placed Bill in the chair.

"Now tell me Bill, what turned you to alcohol?"


	3. Confessions and Conclusions

**Chapter 3: Confessions and Conclusions**

"Nothing that I can recall," said Bill, thinking as best as he could, "but-but I do remember the first time I ever had a drink."

"Good!" said the rat, "lets talk about that, what happened?"

"Well, I am a handy-lizard, you know and I fix and repair anything that someone hires me to fix. Well I was working for White Rabbit that day, fixing...I can't recall what precisely what, but I was fixing it when the Rabbit's help was frantically trying to figure out what to do about this arm that was stuck in the window."

"An arm in the window?" asked the rat.

"Well, yes." said Bill

"What kind of arm?" asked a hamster.

"Let Bill finish his story," said the rat, "go on."

"Well, they decided to send someone down the chimney to try to find out who was in..."

"How big was the arm?" asked the same hamster.

"...the house," continued Bill, ignoring the hamster, "they all made me go down it, and I was scudding down, something came up at me, like a Jack-in-the-box, and then, up I goes, like a sky-rocket. When I landed, I had two guinea-pigs holding me up and shoving a bottle of brandy in me mouth."

"Ah," said the rat thinking of the story, "perhaps you turned to alcohol because the failure of not finding out who was in the house."

"Oh, no. She came out of the house a few moments later." said Bill.

"Who did?"

"Why...uh...I-I really don't know her name," said Bill, "but it was a human girl."

"Well, know we know how you were introduced to alcohol, now we must find out why you stay with it."

"Well, after that I had to go to a trial," said Bill, "and that...was traumatic for me, then I couldn't find work, and when I did find work I couldn't do the right things and then I got depressed and then I just drank to make the pain go away, and when I usually try to tell someone me own personal demons, they tend to..." Bill looked up and saw that the rat had called a break and all the creatures were eating the food off the ground, "...ignore me."

----------------------------------------------

Later on during the day, the rat was patting Bill on the back.

"Well Bill," said the rat, "you've shown great inner strength today, we're all proud of you, but while we were doing other activities we have found someone who may be able to help you out."

"Who is that?" asked Bill. The rat then walked outside and fetched the person that he was talking about.

"Bill," said the rat, "I want you to meet someone, but I believe you've already met." the rat then moved to the side and exposed Alice behind his back.

"Now Alice," said the rat to Alice, "do you have anything to say to this lizard?"

"Like what?" asked Alice, annoyed that she was even there, "I don't even know why I'm here."

"You're here," said the rat, "to apologize to Bill here for what you had done to him all those years ago."

"Hold off," said Bill, "how did you know she was the girl I was talking about? And how did you know her name when I didn't? And what have we been doing exactly for the past few hours, and I honestly don't think a AA meeting includes therapy sessions, going into deep matters, all in one day?"

"And what on earth am I in the story for?" asked Alice, "I honestly don't think that my character is necessary for this particular story."

" 'Writers convenience' ", said the rat, "I'll explain later. Look it's late," said the rat looking at his watch, "and the meeting is almost over, are you sorry that you kicked him Alice?"

"Yes." she said irritated.

"Do you accept her apology?" he asked Bill.

"Yes." said a confused Bill.

"Good, you can go now." the rat said to Alice, who in turn marched out of the stump mumbling that this 'was the biggest waste of my time'.

Bill looked on, completely bewildered on what was going on.

"Er...now what?" asked Bill.

"Now we're going to give out awards!" cried out the rat. Everyone then gathered in closely to find out what they had won.

"Today's mystery prize goes to..." the rat reached in a fish-bowl for a piece of paper. The rat grabbed one and read:

"Bill McGill!"

"Oh, what did I win?" asked Bill.

"You've won," said the rat, digging into a bag, "this new tool belt!" the rat handed the tool belt to the lizard, "And along with the mystery prize goes the monthly pot!"

"Pot?" asked Bill

"Every month, everyone can add money into a 'pot' and then when the prizes are given out, the winner gets all the money." explained the rat, then he handed the sack of money to the lizard.

"This months pot equaled exactly 100 pounds!" all the animals shouted and cheered out for joy. The rat escorted Bill to the door of the stump building.

"Thank you," said Bill, "for giving me this and so much more."

"And will we be seeing you next week?" asked the rat kindly.

"Hell no," said Bill, "this place is _way_ to complicated for me. Thanks again!" Bill then high-tailed it all the way back to the pub, entered it, walked up to the barkeeper, slammed down the sack of money, and said:

"Here's enough money to pay me tab, and I have50 more pounds to go, give me a pint." with that, Bill buckled up his new belt, picked up the frothy mug and took a big swig of beer.

And the moral of the story is: ...ah, ta heck with this...I'm going to bed.

The end

* * *

**This silly, stupid story popped into my head while I was taking a break from my 'hand-in-hand' story. I thought of this story, wrote it and proofread it within a few hours.** **If it's not perfect, that's ok, I can live with it. **

**Remember people, don't drink and drive and always designate a driver when you go out to have a good time.** **Take it from Bill. ;)**

**Any kind of review is welcome, Happy Easter/Passover!**


End file.
